They say if you can make it through the first three months with a baby, you can make it. Do they say that? Or did I just make that up? Either way we made it because our baby was three and is now four months old. Phew.
So maternity leave ends eventually. Then you have to wake up at 5:00 AM and try to shower, feed your baby and pump for the baby and clean your pumping supplies and get out of the house and it feels, well it feels impossible.
But you tell yourself to keep the focus. At least that’s what I told myself. Just focus on work. Focus on everything but the fact that my baby is at home while I sit in traffic for two and half hours trying to get to work. TWO AND A HALF HOURS you all. Keep the focus. Somehow I made it to work 15 minutes early, just enough time pull myself together and walk into the office like a professional. Keep the focus.
It felt so good to be early, to be at work at all and to be able to hide the fact that I cried the whole drive in. I so had it.
Then my boss asked if I had a work release note from my doctor. I had a hundred FMLA documents but not a work release note. I had been back to work for 15 minutes and already messed up. Everyone knows you need a doctors note after having a baby. How could I have forgotten something so basic? My boss told me to go home.
Go home? Go home. My baby is at home…my baby is at home. I lost it. Just cried and cried. Luckily not in front of her but in front of our HR director. Thank goodness he has kids or he might not have known what was going on. He gave me a tissue and told me to go home. So I did and good thing because as soon as I got home, I realized what my real focus is.
All you working moms out there, you are crushing it. If you get out the door in the morning, you crushed it and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Just saying.
When I got pregnant, stuff got real and in the mix of emotions I felt of course there was joy but I also felt guilty. If anyone asked, I would say “Nope, I am not ready for this…at all.”
I often tell anyone and everyone that our sweet baby was a huge surprise, because well, he was but also because somehow that makes my becoming a mom seem less like becoming a mom on purpose.
It is like saying, I’m not that crazy, this just happened, I wasn’t ready for this. And the guilt I felt- it wasn’t so much because I didn’t feel ready to take care of our baby (although I didn’t entirely) it was more because I felt guilty about turning into a mom. You know, the kind of person who can get into a debate about what brand of pacifier is best and posts a bazillion pictures of her baby to instagram. I wasn’t ready for any of that.
So yeah, I would joke about it until Tommy was born and now, nine weeks later I still joke about how taking care of our perfect baby consumes my whole life. In the best kind of way. I thought it was all in good fun until the other day when I realized that I do this thing, this thing where I apologize for just about everything to do with motherhood.
It started when I told my boss I was pregnant.
“Sorry that I’m going to take maternity leave”
And then once Tommy was born it started in the hospital
“Sorry I have to feed him now (when visitors came).
And when we got home I even apologized to the man who got me pregnant (what?!)
“Sorry, can you just hold him a second”
Then it went on and on.
“Sorry all we talk about is baby stuff”
“Sorry I post so many pictures of the baby on facebook”
“Oh wow, sorry there’s breast milk on my shirt”
“Sorry, I didn’t get a chance shower today”
“Sorry I had to bring the baby with me..”
“Sorry he’s screaming so loud”
“Sorry, I just have to nurse him quick”
What is that about? All of the apologizing?
Some of it is subconscious, and a woman thing. Have you seen that commercial, the Pantene one about how women need to stop saying sorry (I just googled it–>here it is) That was so me before a baby and now, as a mom, apologizing has become my way of saying “I’m still the same person, ‘sorry I have to like, be a mom'”.
So the other day I brought Tommy with me to a dentist appointment due to poor planning on my part and I apologized the whole time. The receptionist said how cute he was and then said,
“Stop apologizing you’re a mom now.”
Gosh am I glad she said that.
I am a mom now. I am a mom now and the truth is I always, always wanted this. I will never ever be sorry for our baby so I decided then and there to stop apologizing and enjoy every minute of this mom life thing because really, I was so ready for this and I’m not even sorry.
Sorry, not sorry,
We bought a minivan and it is a total God thing. Do you believe God loves us enough to care that we have a car to drive? We do because we’ve lived it.
Ever since we dated, Tom and I have struggled with our vehicle situation. I almost wouldn’t go out with him because he didn’t have a car for the longest time. It drove me crazy and was probably the number one point of contention in our relationship- him not having a car and my truck always breaking down. See Tom went to school to be a mechanic so I thought that meant he would have a car that ran. It was a struggle that continued into our marriage even though we had two vehicles that ran, most of the time. To his credit, Tom has never not been able to fix our cars, it’s just that our cars just needed a lot of fixing.
Before we we even thought about having a baby we for sure knew we needed to buy a vehicle- basically anything newer than the ’93 Honda and ’97 Ford pick-up we had. But that didn’t happen. So one day last week I was driving our Honda and smoke started pouring out of the hood. Our baby was asleep in the back seat. I panicked, pulled the baby out of the car, ran into a Roy Rogers and waited for the car to explode. It never did and we were perfectly safe.
Tom came two hours later, fixed a hose and drove the car home. The baby slept the whole time.
So our friend Josh has a car lot with his dad (shout out Josh) and literally one week before the car broke down Josh told Tom about a 2006 Town & Chrysler minivan they had for sale. Tom was transfixed for some reason and would not stop talking about this minivan. I ignored him because we didn’t have the money. Plus don’t you need to have like five kids to buy a minivan? Tom went ahead and applied for a car loan- bad credit score and all.
We bought it a few days later.
Luck? Not at all. Just the fact that our ghetto Honda didn’t catch on fire is proof that God loves us. And us buying a car newer than twenty years old? Oh man this is a big deal. We prayed and prayed about our vehicle situation and when I was sitting in that Roy Rogers I prayed even harder. God answers prayer. And this is proof. For real.
See neither of us wanted a minivan- we were those people, thought we were too cool and didn’t have enough kids. At least that’s what I thought, I have no idea why Tom didn’t want one. But then I had a dream that we bought this exact van and Tom for some reason just would not stop talking about it. It was like God saying hey get over what you think you need, I know exactly what you need and here it is- oh and it’s going to be so much better than you ever expected. Because it is. Vans are like the coolest cars out there, so much room. We could have a party in the back. A dog and baby party.
So that’s our story. We bought a minivan and it is a total a God thing. The timing, the price, the mileage, the fact that we were able to get a low super interest rate, the fact that we bought a car that runs- God is so good. And minivans are awesome.
What is God blessing you with this week?
Happy Mother’s day week! Mother’s day can be a whole week right? For my first ever Mother’s day All I wanted to do was thank my Mama because, seriously- how did she make this look so easy?
So here is me on Mother’s Day thinking my hair looked put together enough to take a picture and holding my baby like a sack of flour. (I promise I’m not strangling him)
So that was my grand plan right? To buy the fried chicken for Mother’s day dinner- well I go to pick it up and my dad already paid for it. Parents, can’t do anything nice for them.
We also spent a lovely brunch with Tom’s mom, a mom to six. SIX. She how comfortable she is with Tommy? It looks like he is just floating on her lap.
So we got her a picture of all of us kids for Mother’s day and she loved it. Isn’t that bizarre? Like here are all of us that you do so much for, we’re going to take a picture of ourselves and give it to you and you’re going to love it. And she so did. What? Moms are so crazy.
All this to say we had a lovely 2016 mother’s day. Tommy got me a camp chair that rocks so we can sit out on the deck together and I thanked him profusely for it. And even though I was a little sad my mom wouldn’t let me buy her dinner, I totally get it because I would do the same thing to Tommy. #momlife
Happy Mother’s Day week!
Tommy Taylor is
six seven, ok now EIGHT weeks old and I am starting to forget the details of his birth. Can you believe it? Probably, because there’s a reason women can’t remember birth details and it has to do with having more babies.
Keep reading if you are into birth stories, stop if you aren’t.
At 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant I walked into my doctors office and asked him WHEN was this baby coming? My due date had been March 10th. It was now March 13th. I can see now how impatient that makes me. But yeah, I was that impatient.
My doctor said how about March 16th. Then he explained that I would have to be induced. He said I would be fine, he said people get induced all the time. I cried in the elevator in his office.
Two days later, on March 15th, I was THIS pregnant shopping at Target for last minute baby things.I thought if I walked for long enough I could get my water to break and not have to be induced. I’ll give you two guesses how that went.