Today Wasn’t Hard + Scooby-Doo Stickers

Keeping it real. Ever since I had a #pulmonaryembolism two weeks ago, I have doctor appointments on top of doctors appointments. On top of doctors appointments. At least that is how it feels because one doctor appointment will wipe you out. So does making the bed. Sheesh. So today Tom’s mom watched Tommy while I went to the doctor, then she left and I remembered I had to go get my blood drawn. Not sure how I forgot since I do it every day. ANYWAY. I had to drive all the way back across town to the hospital, with Tommy. I was grumbling the whole time.

Then I’m walking across the parking lot and it hits me. I am walking across this parking lot. I am holding my baby’s hand. I am walking into the same hospital that saved my life. I drove myself here. I can walk. I can breathe. I can hold my baby’s hand. We, are okay. . . I got to the lab, my favorite tech was there (shout out girl) and she got my blood in .007 seconds instead of three tries like everyone else. “See,” she says, “that was easy.” She smiled and gave Tommy a Scooby-Doo sticker. . .

I asked her why he got the sticker instead of me. But I was kidding, I would have given it to him anyway.

My favorite tech reminds me of Jesus. Not because she gets my blood in one try. She is radiant and confident and comforting. I would never tell her that but I should. So today when she told me it was easy and gave us a Scooby-Doo sticker, it reminded me that God is like that too. We have to do inconvenient things and there is God, with a pat on the back and a Scooby-Doo sticker. See, He says, that was easy.

We also have to do hard things that are hard.

On the way home there is a sunflower field. It’s right off of the road, all of my friends know about it, so shout out. I may or may not take credit for it. Even though I’m sure it has nothing to do with me. It’s just that this one time, I tried to buy sunflowers from a family on the same road but the wife kindly explained that they only grew them for bird seed. I told her she was missing out, that I would pay her to cut sunflowers. The next year there was this field across from their house. $3 for 13 flowers. I’m sure it’s a coincidence.

But you know for sure I am going to stop. Every time. “Tom, Tom! Pull over, the SUNFLOWERS!” Yeah, he never pulls over. But Tommy and I did today. Because today wasn’t so hard.

My phone only had 2% battery and I’m pretty sure Tommy thought I was crazy, speed walking through the flowers yelling “LOOK how pretty they are!” “Look at the BEES!”

At one point I was smack in the middle of the field trying to pick the perfect flower, (because I only had $1) and Tommy was just staring at me like, my mom, has gone crazy.

But he humored me, and told me the flowers were pretty, just like I thought.

Back to doing hard things. This morning, at one of my doctor’s appointments, my doctor blurted out “Congratulations on having twins!” He didn’t read my chart (or maybe he did, what the heck is in my chart?)  I said “Oh, Dr. Lin, my babies died”. He quickly apologized and said he was heartbroken for me.

I am too, I said. Heartbroken. It’s the first time I said it out loud.

It’s a hard thing, missing these babies. It’s a catch your breath, can you breathe again? Kind of hard. It makes everything else fade away. Doctors appointments? Blood work? Great. Give me a Scooby-Doo sticker, I’ll be fine.

But in the hard things, the catch your breath THIS IS SO HARD things, God is still there. Not with a Scooby-Doo sticker. More like a field of flowers. A whole field full. With butterflies dancing all around them. And a toddler, smiling at his crazy mama. A reminder to breathe, a deep breath in lungs that still work. And talk to a God who made flowers this pretty.

If you need a Scooby-Do sticker or a whole field of flowers, let me know, I know where to find them both.

Still thankful, still grateful,

Emily

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Emily Selby
    September 13, 2018 / 3:52 pm

    Your words are captivating and full of life! Please please write a book! I would read anything written by you. You are so talented with writing, I feel like I am there in that sunflower field with you and Tommy.

  2. Ashley
    September 17, 2018 / 3:06 pm

    ~gentle hugs~

    Still praying. Those “steal your breath” moments never stop coming, they just space out a little more, and become even more unexpected and powerful when they strike. You will never forget, I can assure you of that. And if I cannot forget, how much less can God? 🙂

    Our baby girl … the top of her skull didn’t grow. I don’t really have pictures that I can share …. well, without bracing people first. Your girls are BEAUTIFUL. So was mine, just differently. She lived a few moments, but never made a sound. A silent birth can be such a painful thing.

    For me, I thought I grieved backwards, I was ok at first but it got harder for me. I wish I’d been more gentle with myself. There is no right way. It’s just one day at a time, no matter what that looks like.

    ~hugs~

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