I Wasn’t Ready To Be a Mom

When I got pregnant, stuff got real and in the mix of emotions I felt of course there was joy but I also felt guilty. If anyone asked, I would say “Nope, I am not ready for this…at all.”

I often tell anyone and everyone that our sweet baby was a huge surprise, because well, he was but also because somehow that makes my becoming a mom seem less like becoming a mom on purpose.

It is like saying, I’m not that crazy, this just happened, I wasn’t ready for this. And the guilt I felt- it wasn’t so much because I didn’t feel ready to take care of our baby (although I didn’t entirely) it was more because I felt guilty about turning into a mom. You know, the kind of person who can get into a debate about what brand of pacifier is best and posts a bazillion pictures of her baby to instagram. I wasn’t ready for any of that.

So yeah, I would joke about it until Tommy was born and now, nine weeks later I still joke about how taking care of our perfect baby consumes my whole life. In the best kind of way. I thought it was all in good fun until the other day when I realized that I do this thing, this thing where I apologize for just about everything to do with motherhood.

It started when I told my boss I was pregnant.
“Sorry that I’m going to take maternity leave”

And then once Tommy was born it started in the hospital
“Sorry I have to feed him now (when visitors came).

And when we got home I even apologized to the man who got me pregnant (what?!)
“Sorry, can you just hold him a second”

Then it went on and on.
“Sorry all we talk about is baby stuff”
“Sorry I post so many pictures of the baby on facebook”
“Oh wow, sorry there’s breast milk on my shirt”
“Sorry, I didn’t get a chance shower today”
“Sorry I had to bring the baby with me..”
“Sorry he’s screaming so loud”
“Sorry, I just have to nurse him quick”

What is that about? All of the apologizing?
Some of it is subconscious, and a woman thing. Have you seen that commercial, the Pantene one about how women need to stop saying sorry (I just googled it–>here it is) That was so me before a baby and now, as a mom, apologizing has become my way of saying “I’m still the same person, ‘sorry I have to like, be a mom'”.

So the other day I brought Tommy with me to a dentist appointment due to poor planning on my part and I apologized the whole time. The receptionist said how cute he was and then said,

“Stop apologizing you’re a mom now.”

Gosh am I glad she said that.

I am a mom now. I am a mom now and the truth is I always, always wanted this. I will never ever be sorry for our baby so I decided then and there to stop apologizing and enjoy every minute of this mom life thing because really, I was so ready for this and I’m not even sorry.

Sorry, not sorry,

Emily