Dear Woman with the Crowded Cow Complaint,

When you called today I didn’t want the phone handed to me. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I asked you what type of cows your neighbor had knowing that you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. I’m sorry I asked you to define “crowded” knowing you couldn’t. I’m sorry I asked if you had measured the pen and could tell me about how many square feet each cow had- that was pretty rude.  I’m sorry I suggested that the cows might have just been in a “close-up pen” and the owner was just keeping a close eye on them. I’m sorry I mentioned the phrase “like a feed lot” when describing how some farmers keep fat cattle before they are slaughtered. I’m sorry I asked if you knew the owner’s name, I should of know you wouldn’t just knock on your neighbor’s door before calling the government. Most of all I’m sorry that I tried to have a conversation with you. Goodness knows you didn’t want to hear anything within the realm of common sense. I’m sorry about all this because you hung up on me before I had a chance to find out if the cows were really in a bad situation or not. Believe it or not, I care a whole lot about cows and I believe that you do too. Usually I would just take notes but today I didn’t feel like pretending that you were automatically right and the farmer was wrong; the irony is before you hung up you said that I lived in a “make believe” world if I thought fifty cows penned up under a barn was normal. On that I’d beg to differ.

Your State Livestock Inspector